45 - First

And for the first time in my life, I feared Death. I've always known that people come and go, that we live and die, that nobody can boast about tomorrow, and I've accepted it. Or so I thought. When I got that call saying my mom was dying in the hospital, I prayed to the Lord and somehow, I was peaceful during the whole ordeal. I was in pain, a lot of pain, but there was no fighting over what happened. Life without mom will never be the same but I didn't feel scared. Is it because it was all so sudden and I didn't have time to ponder on how life would be without my parents? I don't know.

But now with you, I think about death sometimes - passing thoughts. And I can't even imagine how the world will suck if there's me without you in it. I don't want to experience loss - specifically, the loss of you. So darling, I pray and hope and wish that should time come, I go first.

“If the breaking day sees someone proud,

The ending day sees them brought low.

No one should put too much trust in triumph,

No one should give up hope of trials improving.

Clotho mixes one with the other and stops

Fortune from resting, spinning every fate around.

No one has had so much divine favor

That they could guarantee themselves tomorrow.

God keeps our lives hurtling on,

Spinning in a whirlwind.”

- Seneca, Thyestes, 613