45 - First

And for the first time in my life, I feared Death. I've always known that people come and go, that we live and die, that nobody can boast about tomorrow, and I've accepted it. Or so I thought. When I got that call saying my mom was dying in the hospital, I prayed to the Lord and somehow, I was peaceful during the whole ordeal. I was in pain, a lot of pain, but there was no fighting over what happened. Life without mom will never be the same but I didn't feel scared. Is it because it was all so sudden and I didn't have time to ponder on how life would be without my parents? I don't know.

But now with you, I think about death sometimes - passing thoughts. And I can't even imagine how the world will suck if there's me without you in it. I don't want to experience loss - specifically, the loss of you. So darling, I pray and hope and wish that should time come, I go first.

“If the breaking day sees someone proud,

The ending day sees them brought low.

No one should put too much trust in triumph,

No one should give up hope of trials improving.

Clotho mixes one with the other and stops

Fortune from resting, spinning every fate around.

No one has had so much divine favor

That they could guarantee themselves tomorrow.

God keeps our lives hurtling on,

Spinning in a whirlwind.”

- Seneca, Thyestes, 613

43 - They say

You know what old people say, wait for a year or two, maybe three in a relationship and the feelings will eventually fade. They say that the first couple of months is the honeymoon stage and once you get to know each other on a deeper, more personal level, you'll see each other's flaws. They say that those flaws you may love in the onset, but if you give it time, those might be the very things you will hate about your partner. They say you never truly know a person until you marry him and you live together and you see him on both his highest and lowest points.

They say when all those strong emotions fade, what matters is character and the friendship and respect that you've built over the years. That when you're looking for a partner, you should go for someone who can make you feel secured, someone you can imagine having kids, even grandkids with. That above everything else, this is a companionship. Our bodies will eventually get old and our youth, energy, beauty they will all wither.

All those things they say in hope to enlighten us about the realities of relationships. That having a life together is not all about romance. That there will be hard days - and tweetums will not be enough to save you on those days. And I think. And I ponder. And I contemplate. But no matter how hard and long I look at it, at us, the future seems neither scary not discouraging at all. 

I have come to a conclusion that what they say isn't wrong. But I refuse to believe that would be our only reality. I hope we can take a look as to when we are old and gray and still together and tell our children, our grandchildren, how love transcends time. That even in our 70s we're still never past the honeymoon stage that we got in when we're in our 20s. That while there are so many mediocre things in this life, our love is not one of them. G?

42 - You

I have always believed that life has already disillusioned me about love. I have learned the following points growing up: that your first love may not be your last love, that someone you have known for years can still betray your trust if they choose to. That someone can be a good person, and still hurt you when things are no longer convenient for them. That someone can spend as much time as he wants to with you, and still fake it. And as much as you do not want to admit it, sometimes, you're the one hurting those who love you.

As much as I prayed for a love that's not mediocre, I also do not long for it. Forgive me when I was skeptic when I met you. I thought to myself that it was just a passing affection, that you, like the others before you, will just further disillusion me about love and relationships that I will end up saying, there it goes again. Thank you, next.

But I was wrong.

You make me feel like I haven't loved at all.

You are my first real great love, who has not yet in any way betrayed my trust - and if someday we hurt each other I hope we go back to this day and remember how much love we have and just get over it, -

You give more than what you take.

You are a good person, and you, as much as you can, choose to understand even when I am the one being unreasonable.

You always make time for me, despite and in spite. No excuses.

Above all, you make me want to be a better person. 

We were on our way to the office. You carried my lunch box which we didn't know had a leak of adobo sauce, which then stained your pants. I thought to myself, today is the day that I will see how you handle life's accidents. Are you hot-headed? Do you have a temper? Do you have a desire to control, even the uncontrollable? Are you someone I can handle? Will you blame me for it? Will you blame the lunchbox for it? I was holding my breath. For seconds, all those questions flooded my mind. And as much as I want to sympathize with your predicament, I also want to know the answer to these. I never expected what happens next. -- There were no hisses / tsksss. There were no angry remarks. No curses have been uttered. Just a simple, calm, "Oh well, shit happens. Can you go to the office first? I'll wait for the mall to open so I can buy a new pair of pants." There you were, flashing me a genuine smile, concerned if I can walk my way to the office even when it’s just a footbridge away. And God in that moment, I fall in love with you even more.

37 - As If It Is My First Love

Have you ever fallen in love with a person, not for how they look but for how their eyes twinkle when they look at you? Not for how they dress but for how warm their body feels when they put you in a tight embrace? Not for their As and academic achievements but for how free flowing conversations are with them? Not for the digits in their bank account but for how they would make time, always, for you?

You fall in love with their heart. You fall in love with their spirit. Realizing that at the end of the day, it is never their physical beauty nor the material things that they could offer that could sustain you with life, but rather their bare, naked soul. Finally, you see them all flawed and scarred, and you fall in love not on their full potential but for what they actually are.

It is an enlightening experience to rediscover love, as if it is your first love.

32 - When Eve Fell In Love With The Apple

I love apples. It is and it has always been my favorite fruit. I bet we all know the story of how it was associated with original sin in the old testament. Well, I just never thought I'd relate it with you. Apples. Sin. Love. You.

Love, you were all the wrong sorts of a man for me. There were red flags, right from the start, that I chose to ignore. You made me feel things I never thought I'm capable of - desire, envy, love so profound yet unfounded. The emotions were so heavy they disturbed the hell out of me. Having you was a sin, I know that by now. You were the apple the devil tempted me to pick - which I did. I did. Whether it was my lack of better judgment or the serpent being so damn cunning; bottomline is -- I ate the apple and have lost the innocence of a child. I would never look at the world the same way that I did before you. You were knowledge, you were pain, you were a lie. I loved you. I love you. But my love, I cannot be blind anymore.

I was the Eve who fell in love with an apple and have lost herself in the process. Momentarily, I forgot there was an Adam in the story, and that above all else, it is God who writes the story of our lives. The apple was a test, a lesson I have learned the hard way. I realized, the apple could be anything - Money. Pleasure. Riches. A boy - Things we desire so badly it lead us to sin. Things that make us go weak on the knees we'd stumble and fall. But what better position it is to repent than on bended knees?

Yes. Eve fell in love with the apple, but today, Eve no longer wants to love the apple.

30 - The Third Time

If I fall in love for the third time, I pray it will be the last…

___________________

When I was young, I had my first great love. He was this tall, fair skinned guy whose eyes disappear every time he laughs. I fell in love with the way his lips curve into a smile; with that mischievous smirk when he’s fooling around; with those huge arms that once made me feel safe and secured. I watched as my young heart broke into pieces with his sweet, sugarcoated lies and half-baked promises. He was my first great heartbreak, I never thought I’d survive.

With all my guards up, I met my second love. His curly hair reminds me so much of the beach; his warmth, of the sunlight. Through him, I learned that I could love again; this time, selflessly. It wasn’t all fireworks, it wasn’t all butterflies, but it was the love that calmed me down. It was the kind of love that I needed. What I would’ve given for it to last.

So I pray, in all earnest, that If I do fall in love the third time, please, let it be the love that would last.

23 - Things you can never teach your little girl

"Wow Tita this room is awesome!" my 8-year old niece exclaimed, her eyes full of admiration at all the panda stuffed toys and pillows all over the place. Her gaze focused on the 3-feet tall panda plush on my bed and when she found out who gave it to me, she said,

"Ohhhh he really likes you a lot. Didn't he?"

For a moment I was dumbfounded --my mouth hanging, my throat dry with words; a 'yes' barely escaped my tongue, but a resounding 'no' was playing at the back of my mind. Heck, how do you explain to a kid that a boy could give you everything you want on earth, but still not love you enough? 

I chose to stay quiet. Some things, you can never teach your little girl. 

21 - On Double Chocolate Green Tea, Curfew & Magnetic Poetry

21 - On Double Chocolate Green Tea, Curfew & Magnetic Poetry

Every now and then, Starbucks is offering us new beverages which are available only for a limited period of time. This summer, they created entirely new beverages from our old favorites - one of which is the Double Chocolate Green Tea Frappuccino! Coming from the recipe of the Green Tea Creme Frappe, they added two layers of chocolate sauce for us to enjoy. I am definitely in love with this blend! Well, I know a lot of people do not appreciate strong tea flavors thus kudos to Starbucks for adding the chocolate to counter this. A must-try! I encourage you to try it, you will not regret it! 

Because YES. Everything is possible with chocolate and tea <3 

Photo grabbed from Starbucks PH website.
E kasi naubos ko na before I can even take a picture :P

Here’s the price list:

Tall – ₱ 175; Grande ₱ 185; Venti– ₱ 195

I ordered it “to-go” at around 9PM last June 23, 2016, then roamed around a little bit at the Plaza. I was observing the by-standers and in all fairness, there were no children wandering on the streets. The night before, I volunteered to join a group of people responsible for ensuring that the 10PM curfew is being abided by the citizens. Surprisingly, the streets were without minors! I was kinda expecting a little bit of drama, but hey this is a good sign that the people are actually taking this seriously. I have heard stories that when they first enacted the curfew, they were able to pick up a lot of minors roaming around past 10PM. It has been what? A week or two since then? Just wow. We’re so close to being a real child-friendly city. Kudos to our hardworking government employees, and of course, I’m giving credits to our incoming president. Keep the good change coming! :)

Going home with tea on my hand, what’s left to do but poetry? Weeks ago, I met with my college friends in Katipunan and whoa the changes since we graduated last 2013. We visited the Common Room PH, where artsy and cute stuff were being sold. What caught my attention is the black poetry magnets kit, costing around P350. (Thanks Eula for the magnetic board P180). I was actually lost at first. I cannot seem to think of any coherent thoughts with the limited availability of words. It took quite some time for my right brain to function and here’s the end results...

First, I stayed loyal to the exact words available:

I'm OKAY.

Home :)

Second, I added a little bit of creativity by forming words with the available letters like below:

Rage

Lyrics from "Fight Song". Too much feels when I watched this being
performed in America's Got Talent. You guys gotta see it!
Check on youtube. 

Drowning

This new toy keeps me up at night! If you’re interested, visit Common Room PH at Katipunan OR order online through Poetry Magnets PH web below:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PoetryMagnetsPH/?fref=ts

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/poetrymagnetsph/

Love,

Cheng

PS. Coz wordporn & foodporn are the only porns I love :P

16 - Old Notes

Back when I was 15, I created my first blog with the domain address: www.hrix.blogspot.com titled "moonless night". I met so many friends that I've never actually met; different race, different culture, different generations. Sadly, for unknown reasons, google deleted my account and I've never recovered its contents.

Earlier today, I came across my "Death Note"; something I was so fascinated with when I was young, and hola. It contains some of my writings when I was a teen. Let me share with you my old notes, words I've written in the middle of the class, words weaved inside my mind in random walks on the park.

(1) Quantum Principle

Applying the quantum principle of physics, the inner light transported me to the other side of the universe to fall endlessly for you.

(2) Heavenly Bodies

You are the sun in my horizon

the heavenly body that lights up my entity.

I am your moon -

I shine because you shine.

(3) Eternity

Until the day eternity meets its finality, I am for you.

(4) Big Bang Theory

Different veins and chemicals collided and exploded forming in it an existence that sustains my life

-You are that entity. My heart's sanctuary.

(5) Untitled

Trying to escape from the frigidity chaining me,

memories flashed back.

I've seen death the moment I chose my ambitions over my heart.

I am sure there were longer posts, and there were poems and stuff. But well, this is everything I've salvaged from my young heart.

Love,

Hrix

14 - LDR and Trust

LDR is a matter of trust. I have heard a lot of comments, from friends an people I care about, asking how sure am I that the one I'm with is not cheating on me; or even lying about his whereabouts or who he's with. I always answer with

"I love him and I trust him. He has not given me any reason to doubt him."

As stated earlier, LDR is a matter of trust; all relationships are a matter of trust. The gist is, trust can be so fucking fragile.

So, how do you break a person's trust? Easy. By lying and not telling the truth and cheating and the list could go on. How do you "un-break" it? You don't. Reason? Because you can't.

(Dear, you have to be painfully honest to the person you claim you love... That's how it works.)

Now I know being a thousand miles apart from each other is hard. I know a 14-hour time difference sucks. There might be times that you want to go out with your friends and even though there's no cheating involved in whatever activity you're set to do, you are still reluctant to ask for your partner's permission to go out. Probably for the reason that you've already concocted in your mind that this would start a fight. Blah blah blah. Whatever excuse you have in mind, lying is lying. Period.

So what's the best thing you can do?

1) Admit it. No excuses. Please.
2) Apologize not because your partner found out about it; but because you really are sorry for hurting his/her feelings.
3) Never do it again.

But what if you're at the receiving end? What if you're the one whose trust was broken? Well, I've only got one piece of advice for you. If you decide to take that person back after all the lying and cheating and whatnots, you. have. to. fucking. move. on. Meaning? In the future, never, for the life of it, bring up the subject. It's all in the past. You decided to forgive him/her, right? LIVE WITH IT. If you can't, then say goodbye to the relationship. No one wants a praning for a partner. And I'm sure, you do not want to be praning for the rest of your life. It's too much work.

-My 4AM thoughts. 04.29.16

09 - On immaturity and broken hearts

Dear Friend,

You told me you're immature; probably because you haven't experienced that nerve-wrecking, feeling-like-dying kind of heart break. They say people grow up when they get hurt; they do not have a choice, after all. In all sense, that could be true.

He cheated on her, he lied to her, he went away with someone prettier, sexier, or even smarter than her. And there's just nothing she can do about it. She can't mope around every day for the rest of her life. She has to gather whatever's left, and just goddamn walk away.

You are one blessed person to have not experienced that. I hope you don't get to. I still believe there are men out there who still value loyalty, fidelity, love, commitments, relationships. And if you sincerely believe that you've found him, I hope you get to cast aside all your insecurities and just fucking love him.

Pain transforms people. Love could transform people, too.

-C.

04.17.15

08 - Wisdom in Broken Things

Since the blackout weeks ago due to the Typhoon Haiyan (commonly known as Yolanda in the PH), our microwave stopped working properly. A loud noise erupts from it every time it is plugged; thus lead us to the conclusion that the thing is broken and in need of repair. I was on the verge of telling my mom that we should probably replace it, but argued against it as she was determined to have it sent to the repair shop instead. See, my mom was 35 when she had me. We came from two very different generations. During her time, broken things are fixed not replaced. During our time, we practically replace things that are broken, even those that are only worn-down.

This morning, despite the knowledge that our microwave isn't working, I opened the thing and had my spaghetti heated. To my surprise, the loud noise was gone, the food was heated properly, and there was no sign nor indication that it was broken at all. And then it dawned on me: there is wisdom in broken things.

Some things, some people, fix themselves on their own, in their own given time. It is not something that one could impose on them. You cannot force someone to be okay when he/she is not. We should give him/her the time to get into terms with himself/herself. And while it's true that time could only heal wounds, but retains the scars, I personally believe we could choose how we wear those scars.

The heart is a resilient thing. It can never be irreparably broken.

08.25.14

07 - Sequel

No matter how good an opera is, no matter how climactic, how touching, how romantic, how perfect, how beautiful, a movie, a story, a book, a day, a song --- it ends --- With a cliffhanger. With a goodbye. With a dot, or a sigh. With tears and grief and hearts breaking. With silence. --as the credits roll. The last word uttered. The last tear fell. The last act executed. The last note played. 

______________

"I love you. Until we meet again.

No. Until we are ready for each other again."

7.22.2014

06 - Je t'aime

A song,
a laugh,
a smile.

A poem,
a tear,
a sigh.

A dream.
a memory,
I cry.

_________________________________

-Even the air that I breathe and the flowers in a June summer day and the cold rain that pours lightly, then violently on the surface of my being. Even with each passer-by, strangers whose names I would never know, whose only fault was being in the right place at the very time my eyes landed upon the earth where we stand. And even with my eyes closed, even in the darkness whereas no light could even reach, no life could have ever existed
--- I could see you. God, I could only see you.

"I am heavy with the weight of missing you, my dear."

6.30.2014

04 - Lost & Found

In finding you,

I have lost myself.

In finding myself,

I have lost you.

11.17.13

03 - Forever

Someone once asked me why I fell in love with you. Let me tell you this, it was never about what you've given me. Not even about you've given up for me. I think more than anything else, it was this --

--You were the closest I ever came to forever...

Ahhh... Time's up.

06.23.14 

02 - Endgame.

You are my endgame. When all is done, once I fold my dreams, once I checkmate my life's game, once I had enough... I would love it if you're the one standing at the finish line, waiting for me.

05.05.14

01 - Ephemeral

One wednesday morning, I was waiting for a shuttle to get me into the office. I was sitting on the bench and as I looked up I saw a rainbow. The presence of which surprised me, its beauty - enough to make my heart flutter. Quite inevitably, I blinked for a second. I opened my eyes only to find it gone. I guess some things are just meant to be short-lived. Those things could make you happy, make you feel good, perhaps they could make the world seem a better place. You will probably find yourself short of breath on the wonders that those things could offer you. But the thing is, they are not meant for keeps. They just happened to... well, pass you by. And then that's it. The end.
------------------------------
It was just like you.

(well, I cannot be short of breath for you every day for the rest of my life, after all.)

11.20.2013

-hrix.