15 - A Letter To My Second Lover

Hi, Love. 

I don’t know if you were lucky or not to have met me during the time of my life that I was happy and contented with being single. That was the time that I felt so complete and whole... and infinite. I have finally come into terms with myself and realized that my own happiness is no one’s responsibility but mine; and that home is what you make it to be. You didn’t see how much of a wreck I was before that. Lucky, lucky you. 

When my (first) relationship of more than three years ended, I was devastated. Ha! Devastation was even an understatement! I honestly thought I’d never move on. I was clueless and helpless and pathetic and I can’t even describe how broken I felt. But I have God, and my family and my friends. I have people who never left me. And though I forget it sometimes, I have myself. Love, people don’t move on overnight. We could only wish we can. It was a constant battle of push and pull until I learned to love and appreciate myself more.  Skipping time to a year later, I met you.

It was strange at first. Holding hands that were not his. Being looked at with adoration of still chinky eyes but well, not his. It was stranger even, listening to my heart beat furiously and getting kilig feelings over the smallest, sincerest gestures of someone who is not my first love. But it was a happy kind of strange. :)

You were the love that taught me I could love again. That I could love fiercely more than once in this lifetime. I will always be grateful to you for bringing that kind of hope into my life. We have come a long way and there are a lot of trials that will still come our way. The road to forever is never easy. There might even be times that we might take a break. And while we fervently pray and hope that we are for each other, we will never know for sure. The roads we are taking are different.

But dear, I will never look for a third love, heck, I'm not even sure if there will be one. But if there is and if it is true and real love finally, then it can wait...

And if there’s none, if after everything it is you and you all along. Ahh. Imagine how beautifully heart-wrenching and -melting that would be.

05.04.15

14 - LDR and Trust

LDR is a matter of trust. I have heard a lot of comments, from friends an people I care about, asking how sure am I that the one I'm with is not cheating on me; or even lying about his whereabouts or who he's with. I always answer with

"I love him and I trust him. He has not given me any reason to doubt him."

As stated earlier, LDR is a matter of trust; all relationships are a matter of trust. The gist is, trust can be so fucking fragile.

So, how do you break a person's trust? Easy. By lying and not telling the truth and cheating and the list could go on. How do you "un-break" it? You don't. Reason? Because you can't.

(Dear, you have to be painfully honest to the person you claim you love... That's how it works.)

Now I know being a thousand miles apart from each other is hard. I know a 14-hour time difference sucks. There might be times that you want to go out with your friends and even though there's no cheating involved in whatever activity you're set to do, you are still reluctant to ask for your partner's permission to go out. Probably for the reason that you've already concocted in your mind that this would start a fight. Blah blah blah. Whatever excuse you have in mind, lying is lying. Period.

So what's the best thing you can do?

1) Admit it. No excuses. Please.
2) Apologize not because your partner found out about it; but because you really are sorry for hurting his/her feelings.
3) Never do it again.

But what if you're at the receiving end? What if you're the one whose trust was broken? Well, I've only got one piece of advice for you. If you decide to take that person back after all the lying and cheating and whatnots, you. have. to. fucking. move. on. Meaning? In the future, never, for the life of it, bring up the subject. It's all in the past. You decided to forgive him/her, right? LIVE WITH IT. If you can't, then say goodbye to the relationship. No one wants a praning for a partner. And I'm sure, you do not want to be praning for the rest of your life. It's too much work.

-My 4AM thoughts. 04.29.16

02 - Endgame.

You are my endgame. When all is done, once I fold my dreams, once I checkmate my life's game, once I had enough... I would love it if you're the one standing at the finish line, waiting for me.

05.05.14

01 - Ephemeral

One wednesday morning, I was waiting for a shuttle to get me into the office. I was sitting on the bench and as I looked up I saw a rainbow. The presence of which surprised me, its beauty - enough to make my heart flutter. Quite inevitably, I blinked for a second. I opened my eyes only to find it gone. I guess some things are just meant to be short-lived. Those things could make you happy, make you feel good, perhaps they could make the world seem a better place. You will probably find yourself short of breath on the wonders that those things could offer you. But the thing is, they are not meant for keeps. They just happened to... well, pass you by. And then that's it. The end.
------------------------------
It was just like you.

(well, I cannot be short of breath for you every day for the rest of my life, after all.)

11.20.2013

-hrix.