42 - You

I have always believed that life has already disillusioned me about love. I have learned the following points growing up: that your first love may not be your last love, that someone you have known for years can still betray your trust if they choose to. That someone can be a good person, and still hurt you when things are no longer convenient for them. That someone can spend as much time as he wants to with you, and still fake it. And as much as you do not want to admit it, sometimes, you're the one hurting those who love you.

As much as I prayed for a love that's not mediocre, I also do not long for it. Forgive me when I was skeptic when I met you. I thought to myself that it was just a passing affection, that you, like the others before you, will just further disillusion me about love and relationships that I will end up saying, there it goes again. Thank you, next.

But I was wrong.

You make me feel like I haven't loved at all.

You are my first real great love, who has not yet in any way betrayed my trust - and if someday we hurt each other I hope we go back to this day and remember how much love we have and just get over it, -

You give more than what you take.

You are a good person, and you, as much as you can, choose to understand even when I am the one being unreasonable.

You always make time for me, despite and in spite. No excuses.

Above all, you make me want to be a better person. 

We were on our way to the office. You carried my lunch box which we didn't know had a leak of adobo sauce, which then stained your pants. I thought to myself, today is the day that I will see how you handle life's accidents. Are you hot-headed? Do you have a temper? Do you have a desire to control, even the uncontrollable? Are you someone I can handle? Will you blame me for it? Will you blame the lunchbox for it? I was holding my breath. For seconds, all those questions flooded my mind. And as much as I want to sympathize with your predicament, I also want to know the answer to these. I never expected what happens next. -- There were no hisses / tsksss. There were no angry remarks. No curses have been uttered. Just a simple, calm, "Oh well, shit happens. Can you go to the office first? I'll wait for the mall to open so I can buy a new pair of pants." There you were, flashing me a genuine smile, concerned if I can walk my way to the office even when it’s just a footbridge away. And God in that moment, I fall in love with you even more.

23 - Things you can never teach your little girl

"Wow Tita this room is awesome!" my 8-year old niece exclaimed, her eyes full of admiration at all the panda stuffed toys and pillows all over the place. Her gaze focused on the 3-feet tall panda plush on my bed and when she found out who gave it to me, she said,

"Ohhhh he really likes you a lot. Didn't he?"

For a moment I was dumbfounded --my mouth hanging, my throat dry with words; a 'yes' barely escaped my tongue, but a resounding 'no' was playing at the back of my mind. Heck, how do you explain to a kid that a boy could give you everything you want on earth, but still not love you enough? 

I chose to stay quiet. Some things, you can never teach your little girl. 

19 - Sunday morning rain is falling

It is when you're breaking down and you have no one to turn to that you will realize how helpless you are -

It is during mornings when you're lying and crying your heart out on your bathroom floor and no one answers the phone;

It is at night when you lull yourself to sleep, hugging tight your pillow and kissing goodnight your dried tears;

It is at random days when you feel pain in your chest, and sobs turn to wails but there is no one to hold on to.

Sometimes you ask yourself why is it that people only love you when you're happy? 

What about when you're lonely, or in grief? Ahh. But who wants a broken toy when one could easily put his hand on a new one? Who wants to see a lover hanging on to dear life on a bathroom floor when there's someone out there who would sing in karaokes with him? Good times. Who would want to kiss away tears on nights when he could just rendezvous and taste that someone else's happy lips?

When all else fails, who would be there for you when you need it most?

And when all else fails for someone else, will you be with her, all the way?

15 - A Letter To My Second Lover

Hi, Love. 

I don’t know if you were lucky or not to have met me during the time of my life that I was happy and contented with being single. That was the time that I felt so complete and whole... and infinite. I have finally come into terms with myself and realized that my own happiness is no one’s responsibility but mine; and that home is what you make it to be. You didn’t see how much of a wreck I was before that. Lucky, lucky you. 

When my (first) relationship of more than three years ended, I was devastated. Ha! Devastation was even an understatement! I honestly thought I’d never move on. I was clueless and helpless and pathetic and I can’t even describe how broken I felt. But I have God, and my family and my friends. I have people who never left me. And though I forget it sometimes, I have myself. Love, people don’t move on overnight. We could only wish we can. It was a constant battle of push and pull until I learned to love and appreciate myself more.  Skipping time to a year later, I met you.

It was strange at first. Holding hands that were not his. Being looked at with adoration of still chinky eyes but well, not his. It was stranger even, listening to my heart beat furiously and getting kilig feelings over the smallest, sincerest gestures of someone who is not my first love. But it was a happy kind of strange. :)

You were the love that taught me I could love again. That I could love fiercely more than once in this lifetime. I will always be grateful to you for bringing that kind of hope into my life. We have come a long way and there are a lot of trials that will still come our way. The road to forever is never easy. There might even be times that we might take a break. And while we fervently pray and hope that we are for each other, we will never know for sure. The roads we are taking are different.

But dear, I will never look for a third love, heck, I'm not even sure if there will be one. But if there is and if it is true and real love finally, then it can wait...

And if there’s none, if after everything it is you and you all along. Ahh. Imagine how beautifully heart-wrenching and -melting that would be.

05.04.15

09 - On immaturity and broken hearts

Dear Friend,

You told me you're immature; probably because you haven't experienced that nerve-wrecking, feeling-like-dying kind of heart break. They say people grow up when they get hurt; they do not have a choice, after all. In all sense, that could be true.

He cheated on her, he lied to her, he went away with someone prettier, sexier, or even smarter than her. And there's just nothing she can do about it. She can't mope around every day for the rest of her life. She has to gather whatever's left, and just goddamn walk away.

You are one blessed person to have not experienced that. I hope you don't get to. I still believe there are men out there who still value loyalty, fidelity, love, commitments, relationships. And if you sincerely believe that you've found him, I hope you get to cast aside all your insecurities and just fucking love him.

Pain transforms people. Love could transform people, too.

-C.

04.17.15