30 - The Third Time

If I fall in love for the third time, I pray it will be the last…

___________________

When I was young, I had my first great love. He was this tall, fair skinned guy whose eyes disappear every time he laughs. I fell in love with the way his lips curve into a smile; with that mischievous smirk when he’s fooling around; with those huge arms that once made me feel safe and secured. I watched as my young heart broke into pieces with his sweet, sugarcoated lies and half-baked promises. He was my first great heartbreak, I never thought I’d survive.

With all my guards up, I met my second love. His curly hair reminds me so much of the beach; his warmth, of the sunlight. Through him, I learned that I could love again; this time, selflessly. It wasn’t all fireworks, it wasn’t all butterflies, but it was the love that calmed me down. It was the kind of love that I needed. What I would’ve given for it to last.

So I pray, in all earnest, that If I do fall in love the third time, please, let it be the love that would last.

23 - Things you can never teach your little girl

"Wow Tita this room is awesome!" my 8-year old niece exclaimed, her eyes full of admiration at all the panda stuffed toys and pillows all over the place. Her gaze focused on the 3-feet tall panda plush on my bed and when she found out who gave it to me, she said,

"Ohhhh he really likes you a lot. Didn't he?"

For a moment I was dumbfounded --my mouth hanging, my throat dry with words; a 'yes' barely escaped my tongue, but a resounding 'no' was playing at the back of my mind. Heck, how do you explain to a kid that a boy could give you everything you want on earth, but still not love you enough? 

I chose to stay quiet. Some things, you can never teach your little girl. 

19 - Sunday morning rain is falling

It is when you're breaking down and you have no one to turn to that you will realize how helpless you are -

It is during mornings when you're lying and crying your heart out on your bathroom floor and no one answers the phone;

It is at night when you lull yourself to sleep, hugging tight your pillow and kissing goodnight your dried tears;

It is at random days when you feel pain in your chest, and sobs turn to wails but there is no one to hold on to.

Sometimes you ask yourself why is it that people only love you when you're happy? 

What about when you're lonely, or in grief? Ahh. But who wants a broken toy when one could easily put his hand on a new one? Who wants to see a lover hanging on to dear life on a bathroom floor when there's someone out there who would sing in karaokes with him? Good times. Who would want to kiss away tears on nights when he could just rendezvous and taste that someone else's happy lips?

When all else fails, who would be there for you when you need it most?

And when all else fails for someone else, will you be with her, all the way?

16 - Old Notes

Back when I was 15, I created my first blog with the domain address: www.hrix.blogspot.com titled "moonless night". I met so many friends that I've never actually met; different race, different culture, different generations. Sadly, for unknown reasons, google deleted my account and I've never recovered its contents.

Earlier today, I came across my "Death Note"; something I was so fascinated with when I was young, and hola. It contains some of my writings when I was a teen. Let me share with you my old notes, words I've written in the middle of the class, words weaved inside my mind in random walks on the park.

(1) Quantum Principle

Applying the quantum principle of physics, the inner light transported me to the other side of the universe to fall endlessly for you.

(2) Heavenly Bodies

You are the sun in my horizon

the heavenly body that lights up my entity.

I am your moon -

I shine because you shine.

(3) Eternity

Until the day eternity meets its finality, I am for you.

(4) Big Bang Theory

Different veins and chemicals collided and exploded forming in it an existence that sustains my life

-You are that entity. My heart's sanctuary.

(5) Untitled

Trying to escape from the frigidity chaining me,

memories flashed back.

I've seen death the moment I chose my ambitions over my heart.

I am sure there were longer posts, and there were poems and stuff. But well, this is everything I've salvaged from my young heart.

Love,

Hrix

15 - A Letter To My Second Lover

Hi, Love. 

I don’t know if you were lucky or not to have met me during the time of my life that I was happy and contented with being single. That was the time that I felt so complete and whole... and infinite. I have finally come into terms with myself and realized that my own happiness is no one’s responsibility but mine; and that home is what you make it to be. You didn’t see how much of a wreck I was before that. Lucky, lucky you. 

When my (first) relationship of more than three years ended, I was devastated. Ha! Devastation was even an understatement! I honestly thought I’d never move on. I was clueless and helpless and pathetic and I can’t even describe how broken I felt. But I have God, and my family and my friends. I have people who never left me. And though I forget it sometimes, I have myself. Love, people don’t move on overnight. We could only wish we can. It was a constant battle of push and pull until I learned to love and appreciate myself more.  Skipping time to a year later, I met you.

It was strange at first. Holding hands that were not his. Being looked at with adoration of still chinky eyes but well, not his. It was stranger even, listening to my heart beat furiously and getting kilig feelings over the smallest, sincerest gestures of someone who is not my first love. But it was a happy kind of strange. :)

You were the love that taught me I could love again. That I could love fiercely more than once in this lifetime. I will always be grateful to you for bringing that kind of hope into my life. We have come a long way and there are a lot of trials that will still come our way. The road to forever is never easy. There might even be times that we might take a break. And while we fervently pray and hope that we are for each other, we will never know for sure. The roads we are taking are different.

But dear, I will never look for a third love, heck, I'm not even sure if there will be one. But if there is and if it is true and real love finally, then it can wait...

And if there’s none, if after everything it is you and you all along. Ahh. Imagine how beautifully heart-wrenching and -melting that would be.

05.04.15

09 - On immaturity and broken hearts

Dear Friend,

You told me you're immature; probably because you haven't experienced that nerve-wrecking, feeling-like-dying kind of heart break. They say people grow up when they get hurt; they do not have a choice, after all. In all sense, that could be true.

He cheated on her, he lied to her, he went away with someone prettier, sexier, or even smarter than her. And there's just nothing she can do about it. She can't mope around every day for the rest of her life. She has to gather whatever's left, and just goddamn walk away.

You are one blessed person to have not experienced that. I hope you don't get to. I still believe there are men out there who still value loyalty, fidelity, love, commitments, relationships. And if you sincerely believe that you've found him, I hope you get to cast aside all your insecurities and just fucking love him.

Pain transforms people. Love could transform people, too.

-C.

04.17.15

07 - Sequel

No matter how good an opera is, no matter how climactic, how touching, how romantic, how perfect, how beautiful, a movie, a story, a book, a day, a song --- it ends --- With a cliffhanger. With a goodbye. With a dot, or a sigh. With tears and grief and hearts breaking. With silence. --as the credits roll. The last word uttered. The last tear fell. The last act executed. The last note played. 

______________

"I love you. Until we meet again.

No. Until we are ready for each other again."

7.22.2014

06 - Je t'aime

A song,
a laugh,
a smile.

A poem,
a tear,
a sigh.

A dream.
a memory,
I cry.

_________________________________

-Even the air that I breathe and the flowers in a June summer day and the cold rain that pours lightly, then violently on the surface of my being. Even with each passer-by, strangers whose names I would never know, whose only fault was being in the right place at the very time my eyes landed upon the earth where we stand. And even with my eyes closed, even in the darkness whereas no light could even reach, no life could have ever existed
--- I could see you. God, I could only see you.

"I am heavy with the weight of missing you, my dear."

6.30.2014

03 - Forever

Someone once asked me why I fell in love with you. Let me tell you this, it was never about what you've given me. Not even about you've given up for me. I think more than anything else, it was this --

--You were the closest I ever came to forever...

Ahhh... Time's up.

06.23.14 

01 - Ephemeral

One wednesday morning, I was waiting for a shuttle to get me into the office. I was sitting on the bench and as I looked up I saw a rainbow. The presence of which surprised me, its beauty - enough to make my heart flutter. Quite inevitably, I blinked for a second. I opened my eyes only to find it gone. I guess some things are just meant to be short-lived. Those things could make you happy, make you feel good, perhaps they could make the world seem a better place. You will probably find yourself short of breath on the wonders that those things could offer you. But the thing is, they are not meant for keeps. They just happened to... well, pass you by. And then that's it. The end.
------------------------------
It was just like you.

(well, I cannot be short of breath for you every day for the rest of my life, after all.)

11.20.2013

-hrix.