46 - On the Pandemic, Old Friends, and Death

If you are my age or younger, you might be guilty of this: boasting about tomorrow, thinking and actually believing that tomorrow will always come. It may be because of faith or naivety, or maybe both. Or maybe our human ego that feeds us the idea that we'll still be here tomorrow. That we still have time left. That we're still young and we have our lives ahead of us. Only to be knocked off our feet, proven wrong. When somebody in their late 20s die, there is a sense of dread, there is an element of surprise. We all never see it coming - especially when we're talking about a healthy person. But who are we to tell how much time we have left? Gore as it may sound, we are always one second, one minute, one day closer to our demise. Tomorrow is never promised. It is never certain. It might come for some, but not for all. And when it does not, how do we properly greet death?

I regret not doing what we've promised. We've always deferred it, until days became months and months became years and we're now a decade away from the first time we talked about it. A lot has changed - we lost touch, we lived our lives differently, and when our paths crossed again, it was as if time did not pass - you still can talk comfortably about your personal life,  we talked about how far we've come as good old friends do, and then we still deferred it - our counterstrike death match. It is a time of a pandemic, after all. We'll do it after these trying times, except we'll no longer be able to. Death knocked on your door. Guess I can not kill you anymore - in game.

Goodbye my friend.

PS. Fvck COVID.

45 - First

And for the first time in my life, I feared Death. I've always known that people come and go, that we live and die, that nobody can boast about tomorrow, and I've accepted it. Or so I thought. When I got that call saying my mom was dying in the hospital, I prayed to the Lord and somehow, I was peaceful during the whole ordeal. I was in pain, a lot of pain, but there was no fighting over what happened. Life without mom will never be the same but I didn't feel scared. Is it because it was all so sudden and I didn't have time to ponder on how life would be without my parents? I don't know.

But now with you, I think about death sometimes - passing thoughts. And I can't even imagine how the world will suck if there's me without you in it. I don't want to experience loss - specifically, the loss of you. So darling, I pray and hope and wish that should time come, I go first.

“If the breaking day sees someone proud,

The ending day sees them brought low.

No one should put too much trust in triumph,

No one should give up hope of trials improving.

Clotho mixes one with the other and stops

Fortune from resting, spinning every fate around.

No one has had so much divine favor

That they could guarantee themselves tomorrow.

God keeps our lives hurtling on,

Spinning in a whirlwind.”

- Seneca, Thyestes, 613

44 - Happy Hallow's Eve

I'm sure a lot of us, if not all, has experienced how it's like to have a nightmare. Bad dreams that will make you jolt awake at night, sweaty palms and racing heartbeat. But have you ever had a dream that felt so real? Something that kept you from moving, like your body's paralyzed and somehow you know you're dreaming and you want yourself to wake up in the real world, but it's a struggle? A dream so creepy it makes even your baby hair to stand just the thought of it? I do. Ever since I started trying to keep track of my dreams (telling it to friends the moment I wake up so I don't forget) ; I have noticed that there is this particular bad dream that re-occurred, and this is how it goes.

I am in the middle of a living room in a house that I'm not familiar with. My cousins are with me, and we were looking at a closed door leading to a room, Nobody in the dream wants to open the door because there's a demon (lady in white with black face as I imagine it in my dream) inside. The room itself was emanating negative energy. But like how most horror movies go, I'm the protagonist of my dream who is so brave and so curious that I would actually march up to that door. Both my legs and arms feel heavy and I hear a cacophony of crazy and scary voices, but I still manage to hold the knob and turn it. And the moment I open the door, I wake up -- screaming.

When I had this dream last March 2020, I told a friend about it. How batshit scared I was and how the dream felt so familiar, like I've seen how it played before. I had to look up at my messenger chats to my other friends in search for anything - because if I have dreamed about the same thing, I'm sure I told someone, and there it was. I read that on the same day of March 2019, I had the exact same dream and I was telling someone else about it. Imagine the horror when I realized.

Will I get the same dream this March 2021? I wonder.

Happy Hallow's Eve.

43 - They say

You know what old people say, wait for a year or two, maybe three in a relationship and the feelings will eventually fade. They say that the first couple of months is the honeymoon stage and once you get to know each other on a deeper, more personal level, you'll see each other's flaws. They say that those flaws you may love in the onset, but if you give it time, those might be the very things you will hate about your partner. They say you never truly know a person until you marry him and you live together and you see him on both his highest and lowest points.

They say when all those strong emotions fade, what matters is character and the friendship and respect that you've built over the years. That when you're looking for a partner, you should go for someone who can make you feel secured, someone you can imagine having kids, even grandkids with. That above everything else, this is a companionship. Our bodies will eventually get old and our youth, energy, beauty they will all wither.

All those things they say in hope to enlighten us about the realities of relationships. That having a life together is not all about romance. That there will be hard days - and tweetums will not be enough to save you on those days. And I think. And I ponder. And I contemplate. But no matter how hard and long I look at it, at us, the future seems neither scary not discouraging at all. 

I have come to a conclusion that what they say isn't wrong. But I refuse to believe that would be our only reality. I hope we can take a look as to when we are old and gray and still together and tell our children, our grandchildren, how love transcends time. That even in our 70s we're still never past the honeymoon stage that we got in when we're in our 20s. That while there are so many mediocre things in this life, our love is not one of them. G?

42 - You

I have always believed that life has already disillusioned me about love. I have learned the following points growing up: that your first love may not be your last love, that someone you have known for years can still betray your trust if they choose to. That someone can be a good person, and still hurt you when things are no longer convenient for them. That someone can spend as much time as he wants to with you, and still fake it. And as much as you do not want to admit it, sometimes, you're the one hurting those who love you.

As much as I prayed for a love that's not mediocre, I also do not long for it. Forgive me when I was skeptic when I met you. I thought to myself that it was just a passing affection, that you, like the others before you, will just further disillusion me about love and relationships that I will end up saying, there it goes again. Thank you, next.

But I was wrong.

You make me feel like I haven't loved at all.

You are my first real great love, who has not yet in any way betrayed my trust - and if someday we hurt each other I hope we go back to this day and remember how much love we have and just get over it, -

You give more than what you take.

You are a good person, and you, as much as you can, choose to understand even when I am the one being unreasonable.

You always make time for me, despite and in spite. No excuses.

Above all, you make me want to be a better person. 

We were on our way to the office. You carried my lunch box which we didn't know had a leak of adobo sauce, which then stained your pants. I thought to myself, today is the day that I will see how you handle life's accidents. Are you hot-headed? Do you have a temper? Do you have a desire to control, even the uncontrollable? Are you someone I can handle? Will you blame me for it? Will you blame the lunchbox for it? I was holding my breath. For seconds, all those questions flooded my mind. And as much as I want to sympathize with your predicament, I also want to know the answer to these. I never expected what happens next. -- There were no hisses / tsksss. There were no angry remarks. No curses have been uttered. Just a simple, calm, "Oh well, shit happens. Can you go to the office first? I'll wait for the mall to open so I can buy a new pair of pants." There you were, flashing me a genuine smile, concerned if I can walk my way to the office even when it’s just a footbridge away. And God in that moment, I fall in love with you even more.

40 - I can't write

I can't write happiness and love at the same time.

There is not enough words to give justice to how I feel about you, to how you make me feel about life. Contented is not even the word to describe it. This is far more than contentment. This is far more than everything I've prayed and dreamed and hoped for love to be. God you are far more.

J'etaime.  

39 - 10

Isa. Isang tao lang ang minahal ko ng lubos. Halos lahat ibinigay ko pero sa huli hindi pa din naging sapat. Bakit hindi naging sapat ang isa? Bakit kami dalawa?

Dalawa. Dalawang mata ang isinarado ko. Hinayaan ang sariling magbulag bulagan sayo. Ang tanga tanga ko. Umaasang ang tatlo

Tatlo. Tatlong taong relasyon. Tatlong taong kasiyahan na nauwi sa kasinungalingan, kalokohan at sakita. Ang tatlong taong pagkakaibigan, pagkaka-ibigan, ay nagtapos sa apat.

Apat. Apat na salita, nagbago ang lahat. "Hindi na kita mahal." Hindi. Na. Kita. Mahal. Paulit ulit. Paulit ulit. Paulit ulit. Apat na salita at nahati ang mundo ko sa lima.

Lima. Limang araw ang pinalipas. Nagbabakasakaling magbago ang isipan. Baka pag hindi mo na ako nakikita, ako'y iyong maala-ala at kalakip noon ang pag-ibig na minsan mo nang pinadama. Maghihintay ako. Maghihintay hanggang sa di na namalayang anim

Anim. Anim na buwan na ang nakalipas nang makita ulit kita. Putangina. May kasama ka nang iba. Kaya naman pito

Pito. Pitong bote ng alak ang nilaklak ko para makalimutan ang sakit. Pero hindi ako iniwan nito. sa pagtulog. Sa paggising sa umaga. Habang naglalakad. May kasama man o wala. Walang pinipiling oras. Walang pinipiling pagkakataon.

Walo. Siyam. Sampu. Sa totoo lamang, hindi natapos ang sulatin na 'to. The year was 2013, pitong taon na ang lumipas at sa nagdaang taon, ito ang napatunayan ko: Talo ng tunay na pag-ibig ang unang pag-ibig.